The Perfect Epidemic
Perfection is an illusion, designed to torture human beings and lock us in cycles of self-torment. We know that it doesn’t exist and yet many of us hold ourselves to its imaginary standard. We use it as an excuse to justify inaction. We use it as a stick to hit ourselves with anytime things don’t go our way.
Perfectionism is making us sicker than we can imagine, but many of us refuse to let it go, because we’ve convinced ourselves that it’s a positive attribute. We rationalize that it drives us to do better work. And it differentiates us from mediocre people, who have lower standards and are willing to compromise.
The truth is that perfectionism is fear of failure in disguise. It’s an irrational fear that results from not doing good enough according to some arbitrary expectation – whether it’s our own or someone else’s. More often than not, this fear paralyzes us and encourages us to procrastinate. After all, you can’t fail if you don’t try.
But real high achievers embrace failure. They understand that failure is an integral part of progress. A welcome experience on the road to accomplishment. Many of us confuse being a perfectionist with being a high-achiever. But they aren’t the same thing.
Perfectionism stunts your growth and holds you back from achieving your goals. Being a perfectionist involves running away from failure, while high-achievers run towards success. Being a perfectionist involves punishing yourself for your mistakes rather than drawing positive learnings from them. It involves internalizing every misstep as if it is some permanent confirmation of your inferiority.
Perfectionism has become an epidemic, accelerated by social media and the need to portray the perfect life at every opportunity. It is growing among the younger generations and becoming more malignant.
What is Perfectionism?
At its most basic, perfectionism is the application of unrealistically high expectations on an individual.
It can be self-oriented, where the expectations are imposed on oneself, or other-oriented, where the subject is another person. It can also be socially-prescribed, where we perceive that others have unrealistic expectations of us.
It is damaging in all three forms.
Perfectionists are quick to find fault and overly critical of mistakes. They shrug off compliments and forget to celebrate their success. Instead, they look to specific people in their life for approval and validation, or are simply never satisfied with their own accomplishments.
As an example, consider the student who works hard and gets a bad grade on an exam. If she tells herself: “I’m disappointed, but it’s okay; I’m still a good person overall,” that’s healthy. If the message is: “I’m a failure. I’m not good enough,” that’s perfectionism.
Those with higher perfectionism generally experience more stress in their daily lives, because every event is an opportunity for self-criticism, disappointment, and perceived failure.
Fear of failure goes hand-in-hand with perfectionism, because it is a function of an individual’s excessive standards and desire to do things well. Their fear is that if they don’t do it perfectly, they’ll expose some inner weakness or frailty.
Perfectionism is Growing
Perfectionism has been growing rapidly as of late. Thomas Curran and Andrew Hill’s meta-analysis of rates of perfectionism from 1989 to 2016, the first study to compare perfectionism across generations, found significant increases among more recent undergraduates in the US, UK, and Canada.
“As many as two in five kids and adolescents are perfectionists,” says Katie Rasmussen, who researches child development and perfectionism at West Virginia University. “We’re starting to talk about how it’s heading toward an epidemic and public health issue.”
The Problem With Perfectionism
Perfectionism can lead to negative outcomes and affect our mental health. It is often driven by fear of failure, feelings of unworthiness, low self-esteem, and adverse childhood experiences. It is frequently accompanied by depression, anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder, eating disorders, and even suicidal impulses.
“It’s something that cuts across everything, in terms of psychological problems,” says Sarah Egan, a senior research fellow at the Curtin University in Perth who specializes in perfectionism, eating disorders and anxiety. “There aren’t that many other things that do that.”
A recent meta-analysis found that nearly every perfectionistic tendency – including being concerned over mistakes, feeling like you are never good enough, having critical parents, or simply having high personal standards – was correlated with thinking about suicide more frequently.
“Failure is so severe in a market-based society,” points out Curran, adding that this has been intensified as governments have chipped away at social safety nets. Competition is rife at school, where performance is often praised or criticized publicly. Parents also put pressure on their children to get better grades, so that they can attend better schools or earn scholarships. It creates a cycle in which children begin to internalize impossibly high expectations of themselves.
Then there is the socially-prescribed version, which is front-and-center thanks to Instagram and Facebook. “We are so sucked into our screens, and our life is so perfectly curated,” Netflix star Lana Condor said in an episode of the “Hi Anxiety” video series about mental health. “You see other perfect lives and your life isn’t like that. And so if I go out, and people see that my life isn’t perfect, I’m afraid they’ll judge me.”
Martin Smith, a researcher at York St. John University in the UK, and his team published a meta-analysis of the relationship between perfectionism and other personality factors, and found that as people who score high in perfectionism age, they seem to become more prone to experiencing negative emotions like anger, anxiety, and irritability and they also become less conscientious.
Taken together, perfectionism can be harmful to children and their self-image. At its most extreme, it can result in depression, low self-esteem, or even suicide. Left unchecked, it can worsen with age and ruin people’s lives.
Embracing Imperfection is the Antidote
Overcoming perfectionism requires you to embrace imperfection. It is built on understanding that our flaws are what make us human. Our mistakes and failures are what make our lives interesting. Our trials and tribulations are what produce our most memorable adventures.
We are human precisely because we are imperfect. Our failures are often more valuable than our successes. In life, pleasure comes from the journey, not the destination. Enjoy the process and you will find it hard to be disappointed. Cherish the experience and any delusions of perfection will quickly fall by the wayside.
As Rasmussen explains, “It’s saying things like ‘You really tried hard at that. I’m proud of the effort you put in.’ It’s about creating an environment where imperfection isn’t just accepted but is celebrated – because it means we’re human. Or communicating to the child that love and care aren’t conditional on performance. It’s the idea that you don’t have to be perfect to be lovable or to be loved.”
Rather than view events as opportunities for shame or failure, take them as opportunities to learn and grow. Instill perseverance, flexibility, and diligence in your children. These are desirable qualities that are not dependent on any outcome or false expectation.
As Viktor Frankl, a renowned Austrian psychiatrist, once said, “Don’t aim at success - the more you aim at it and make it a target, the more you are going to miss it. For success, like happiness, cannot be pursued; it must ensue, and it only does so as the unintended side-effect of one’s personal dedication to a cause greater than oneself.”
Celebrate every experience. Every win, no matter how small. Every lesson learned, especially those that come from trying and failing. Use them to build a positive self-image.
Above all, remember that if everyone was perfect, then no one would have anything new to learn. No one would have any interesting stories to tell or experiences to share. Everything would be predictable. Everything in life would be manufactured.
It’s the difference between a ski slope on a mountain or one inside a shopping mall, and a natural animal sanctuary or one housed inside a Las Vegas casino. Which would offer you a more authentic experience? Which would you prefer?
If everyone was perfect, what would separate us from artificial intelligence? What would there be left to look forward to? Where would we get any excitement from life?
Nobody is perfect and that is the best part of living. When I look at my wife, it’s her imperfections that I love the most about her. It’s the reasons she isn’t perfect that make her just perfect for me. And that’s the catch. When you add up all the imperfections, you get perfection.
The ultimate irony in life is that imperfection is the only source of perfection. And that in itself is something worth celebrating.
Profiles In Dreaming
Every week, I profile someone that has fulfilled their dream against the odds and highlight three lessons from their journey.
From the Poorhouse to the Promenade
The name Chanel is the epitome of fashion. A symbol of luxury and style. Coco Chanel, the woman behind the brand, built her legend on authenticity, courage, and a love for life. But she didn't always have it easy. Born in a poorhouse hospice and placed in an orphanage at the age of twelve, she had to scrap for every inch. Her story is a testament to what one can accomplish with a vision, some guts, and resourcefulness.
Ponder This
“Seize the day, gather ye rosebuds while ye may. Why does the poet write these lines?
Because we're food for worms, lads! Because we're only going to experience a limited number of springs, summers, and falls. One day, hard as it is to believe, each and every one of us is going to stop breathing, turn cold, and die!”
- Robin Williams, as John Keating, in Dead Poets Society.
Practice This
The Best Possible Future Self Exercise, by Dr. Laura King, has been shown to improve overall happiness and reduce goal conflict. It’s a great way to take stock of where you are today and where you want to be, and develop steps for getting there.
Spend 20 to 30 minutes writing responses to the following prompts. Don’t self-edit or impose any limitations on your answers.
“Think about your life in the future when you are 109 years old. Imagine that everything has gone as well as it possibly could. You have worked hard and succeeded at accomplishing all of your life goals. Think of this as the realization of all of your life dreams. Now, write about what you imagined.”
“Imagine that 109 year old self had access to a time machine. They jumped into that time machine and arrived to this very moment in time. They climb out, sit next to you and give you advice. What would they say?”
Take that advice and create a list of actions points. These are the things you need to do to achieve your life goals. From daily habits to longer term endeavors.
Play This
Every week, I share some of the music I listen to when I write. Studies have shown that playing a song or short playlist on repeat helps put you into a state of flow, which is optimal for creativity. The choice of music is up to you. I choose music that reflects the energy I want to infuse in my work. Most of the time, this means dreamy, melodic deep house. But sometimes, when I’m writing about something raw, I go with old school hip hop.
Here’s a link to a master playlist of all the songs I’ve shared so far.
I’d love to hear your feedback or connect with you. Email me at omar@omarfarha.com.